Hey! Can I bring a date to your wedding?
it’s literally just one extra person, what’s the big deal If I bring a plus one? Right?
well, I’m sorry, but not quite… and here’s the math behind the why
As a wedding planner, I frequently hear this question:
"Hey, so my cousin just started dating a new guy and wants to bring him to our wedding. I don't want to be mean and tell her no, she's family, but I also don't want someone I've never met coming to my wedding."
Or,
"My grandmother called and is upset I didn't invite her whole side of the family to my wedding. We literally don't have the space for another 15 people to come. What do I tell her?"
So, really, what's the big deal with the extra invites?
The problem is, for all the second cousins twice removed, aunts who are seen on a twice-a-decade basis, and the singles who just really don't want to go to the wedding alone, it's not your wedding.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but unless you understand the work and money that has gone into planning the event, you really have no clue what "just one extra person" looks like at a wedding.
So, with love, let's break down the cost:
Table & Linens: $12 per table + $12 per linen = $24 / 8 (people per table) = $3 per person
Chairs: $3.95 per chair x 2 (one for ceremony, one for reception)
Napkins: $.75 per napkin
Flatware: $.65 per dinner plate, $.55 per appetizer plate = $1.20 per person
Silverware: $1.50 per roll
Glassware: $.60 per water glass & $.60 per champagne flute = $1.20 per person
Alcohol: $30-$40 per person (on average, a guest drinks 1 drink per hour at $10 a drink for a 4-hour reception. This is at least $40, but let's say $30 to be on the low side, assuming everyone is drinking Coors.)
Dinner: $20-$50 per person (let's say $20 for argument's sake here - think BBQ buffet or taco bar)
Total: $61.60 per person to attend a wedding.
**This is being very generous using bottom-dollar numbers for food and alcohol. This is a BBQ buffet and a wine/beer bar. For a cocktail bar and a pasta dinner, I have personally seen food and drink costs come out to $40 for alcohol and $50 for dinner. That $61.60 is now $90. This is nothing compared to the cost of having a private chef or signature cocktails.
Each of these prices has come directly from contracts with caterers and rental companies that I have worked with for real weddings. This is just for the "have to have" items and does not include any cake/dessert pricing, special additions, thank-you gifts, tips, or taxes. This is just so each guest can come and sit at the wedding, enjoy dinner, and have a drink or two.
If you want to bring an extra person, But so do five other people, that's an extra $363.60 for the couple to have to come up with! Now imagine asking them a week before the wedding and they are scrambling to figure out how to make that work.
What about not bottom-dollar catering options?
An October 2024 bride says, "My fiancé and I both work at the venue we are getting married at in Telluride, so they gave us a great deal, but even with the huge discount, we are still paying $80 per plate. This is discounted from $115 per plate, but after tip and taxes, we are still paying about $108 per plate."
When was the last time anyone, ever, called to ask for a last-minute invite to someone else's wedding and followed it up with, "Oh, but send me the bill for all the extra costs, I know this wasn't included in your budget"? (Which of course no one would, it would be a ridiculous thing to do!)
And to keep playing Devil's Advocate: The Venue & The Planner
Let's say the couple is getting married outside, so they don't even have a venue, just a tent for the reception. Then it really doesn't matter, right? Nope. Square footage of the tent is the factor at play here, my friend.
Each increase in tent size increases the price. If the maximum capacity of a tent is twelve 8-person tables for 96 total people, and the guest count is at 92, woohoo, everything fits. But now let's say an entire extended family of 6 is being invited and the 2 adult kids bring a date. Suddenly, the 92-guest count is now at 100, and your couple must get a larger tent to accommodate the whole extra table needed and space on the dance floor. This adds an extra $492.80 for the dinner and drinks, and that $2,200 tent just became a $2,800 tent.
"Well, we can't just not invite the Smiths, they are family" just cost your newlywed couple $1,092.80. It's unfair to put this additional burden on the couple.
Different-sized weddings come with different price points.
An "Elopement" is less than 10 people, a micro-wedding is less than 50 people, and anything higher than 51 is just considered a normal wedding. The price for managing each of these options can significantly increase the cost for the couple. (Read thousands of dollars here).
If your couple is getting married at a venue that specializes in micro-weddings, there will automatically be a maximum capacity that is allowed for the guest count. Some venues are capable of allowing a little wiggle room by letting couples add an extra, say 5 people - but for a price. However, once that capacity is hit, there's no "just one more."
One of my very favorite venues offers a micro-wedding package and a “normal” wedding package. The difference in package pricing is close to $5,000. There is a reason as vendors we have this number differentiation clearly defined. The time and work that goes into setting up a 150-guest wedding versus a 20-guest wedding is substantial.
That "just one more" is not just another person to celebrate the evening. It's more tables, chairs, food, alcohol... Your couple's vendors have that delineation in place with their packages for a reason. It's not to be mean, it's math.
If all the extras that get an invite are allowed to come, you can end up costing your couple thousands of dollars.
And now for the emotional aspect of the newlyweds:
"I just wouldn't want to feel like I have to introduce myself to someone at my wedding. It's my big day, and it's a huge deal (to us), and it's like wow, now there's just a bunch of random people coming."
- August 2024 bride
If you talk to almost any couple who's chosen to have a micro-wedding, it's because they decided they were absolutely over having to fight about the guest list and the budget. They want their wedding day to be about them and their love.
I wish this wasn't the case, but as I'm here to tell you the honest truth, I present a little story:
A bride from out of state confided in me that her family's constant interference with their wedding plans, from the decor and menu to the guest list, became so unbearable that they decided to drastically change plans. They canceled their original venue and threw away their save-the-dates, choosing instead to have a micro-destination wedding at an Airbnb in Colorado where only 24 hand-picked guests could join.
Frankly, how sad is that a couple felt like the only way to have the wedding they wanted was to leave the entire state just to avoid the drama?
Who pays for the wedding?
Traditionally, the bride's family paid for the wedding, and the groom's family paid for the rehearsal dinner. As you've noticed, the world has changed. Most of the couples I work with are paying for their own wedding. Sometimes the family pitches in, or parents have an allotted budget to help cover expenses. But most of the time, it’s couple paying for their big day mostly on their own. According to The Knot, the average wedding in Colorado runs about $34,000 this year. When you’re just starting out as a newly married couple in today’s world, that a lot of money! That could be a new car or a substantial chuck of a down payment for a house. Instead, they have decided to invest that money towards one of the most important days of their lives.
Moral of the Story:
If it’s not your wedding, don’t invite guests.
Remember, your couple is planning their dream day. By respecting their wishes and avoiding uninvited guests, you're helping them create a stress-free and memorable celebration.